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Today And Tomorrow

Imagine me sitting in front of you with both hands open, palms up in front of me. And in one hand I'm showing you a possible disease that will slowly and painfully wreak havoc on every end of your life, home, body, and mind. In the other hand, I'm showing you the treatment course to this disease and explaining to you that if you take this, you will probably die. Not as painfully slow and tormented, but probably rather quickly. This is my biggest fear right now.

The days are passing and I'm not showing signs of improving. I have my up days and my down days. But even in my up days, I'm far from feeling normal. And in my down days, I'm unable to get out of bed. I've gone to endless doctors appointments (sometimes up to six or seven a week) and seen endless specialists. I feel like I'm trapped in this endless circle of self induced hope and inability to find the answers or find relief. Outside of how I feel, there are few things I know--- I know I never expected to still be here. I thought by now I would have more answers--- and if no answers would be provided, I at least hoped that my body would be past this point--- that I would be on the road to self healing. I have learned that it is not--- or, rather, I should try to be hopeful and say that I might very well be on the road to healing, but the endless circles of ups and downs has unfortunately shown me otherwise.

A good, handful of doctors have told me 'lyme'. Many of you have written to me and told me to keep a look out for lyme. My symptoms do match with many of those to lyme. No part of me wants to be okay with this answer. No part of me is willing to yet  believe it or accept it. If I have lyme, I am helpless. The treatment for lyme? antibiotics? Go back a few months--- to almost the beginning of this all and find the reason I almost died: antibiotics. I've tried hard to not over think it, and especially not to read into it--- not yet. Everything is too controversial around lyme disease, thats for sure. Some say I'm low risk living in Florida. Some say no way, that it really doesn't matter, it's truly a possibility. The reactive bands that appeared positive on my test leave me asking questions. Is this lyme? I don't know, but if it is, it feels like a death sentence given my recent encounters with c. difficile.

When I think about this possibility I have the constant internal battle of shit out of luck combined with trapped in a hard place boxing an endless reappearing optimism that maybe it's all simpler this this, that it wont be lyme, and if it is, maybe I can some how overcome it anyway..... somehow. I met with an herbalist recently to start a four part regime of herbs. To treat me for multiple things-- an anti-parasitic, anti-bacterial, anti-viral, and anti-spirochete blend, to not only help with the possibility of lyme--- but any other possibilities that are still open and lingering. As well as things to help with my digestion and weakness. I'm happy to report I've suffered no side effects from the herbs, which for me, is nothing short of a miracle--- my body reacts with great sensitivity to almost any medicinal treatments, natural or not. The only thing I can do is believe this treatment will work. And if nothing else , at least hope for some sort of placebo effect.

Over and over, a constant reminder flowing through my ears--- that the mind is powerful and I have to help my body fight this battle. Even if I'm not exactly sure what battle I'm fighting. All I know is, there is something there. I no longer believe the hopeful words that "this is part of recovery." I know my body too well to continue to believe this statement. This no longer feels like recovery. Yes, my gut is in recovery, I've seen great improvements, but I've been sensitive to this body for years and I know, there is something more. There is something that does not belong inside of me, holding me back from fully healing. An acupuncturist I saw said it best, "at this point, it doesn't matter what it is, you just need to overcome it." She followed up her statement explaining that it wasn't meant to be an ignorant phrase but rather, an intention to just keep moving forward. I'm trying.

I'm sad to say that many of my days are becoming emotionally harder. I'm starting to lose hope more often now. I think of Marlowe and I can't help but cry. I want so badly to believe that things will get better, that my life will return to what it was--- or on the preferable days, I want to believe my life will not only be what it was, but somehow be better than before. But I can't help dismiss the fear that whatever this is will kill me. I feel helpless in the possibility that I wont be able to watch her grow up.    That I might not send her to school, cook her meals, tuck her in each night, or show her the world. That everything I had hoped for this year and every year after this one might not be an option for me anymore. I think about what her life will be like without me. I know she'll be okay. I know Alex will show her love, art, food, a beautiful life--- so many of the things I hoped and hope to share with them. But I wonder what their functional life will be like. He can't raise a child alone with his career. Chef hours wont allow for it. It was already a big enough concern to what the three of us would do once Marlowe started school with the hours he works--- but if I'm not there? Then what? And I fill my mind with endless, sometimes seemingly pointless questions, trying to figure out a future that I might not be part of--- all in hopes to still, somehow make their future more manageable, less stressful, and more giving to them both. Life is so far from guaranteed. There is no guarantee in any of it--- and each day that passes with no sign of my life returning, well, I don't know, I'm just fearful and tremendously sad. My life and family has been on hold. On stand by for my health. So much sacrificed. With no promise of an outcome. I want my future. I want my future with my family, and especially with Marlowe. I want the life that I was on track for-- the life I worked so hard for. There is so much possibility in that little soul of hers. I want to watch her grow up. I know what she does will be nothing short of amazing and I want to be there to see it.

I spent years trying to find myself, trying to make my life, trying to find a comfort in my own mind, body, and soul, and find joy in my story. And I feel like I finally achieved that place where I was satisfied in my continual growth, within me and around me--- for myself and for my family. And now the days come where I feel as if the possibility of future is each day being plucked away. What will my day be like today? I don't know. Tomorrow? I don't know. Next week? I don't know. I just want to feel better. I just want to find joy and comfort in the simplicity of each waking day. I had big plans for this year, for my life and I'm not ready to give those up yet. I am not ready. I want to believe that this will pass. That this is another step in my story. That something will come out of this--- but more importantly that I will be there to see it.

I'm not sure what to do this with this space. I don't want to leave it. On the down days, there is no physical way for me to be present-- and on the up days I'm not sure what to put here. Sometimes I just want to go on, fun, colorful business as necessary, but then that doesn't always feel right. My emotions are scattered and I'm torn between how to act. Sometimes I'm hopeful with a positive outlook and I try to embrace that feeling, looking past this all and sometimes I just don't have the energy. It's been a really long time since I just poured emotions into this space. It doesn't feel like it completely belongs---  but thats a good thing I guess, showing me how good I've had it. How blessed I've been. I'm not sure what or how I'm supposed to feel now, there's no closure here. For now, life just is what it is. All I can do is hope for the best, even in the moments when I fear the worst.

Thank you again and again to those who have continually been there to support me. Through the ups and this tremendous down. I'll be sharing those recipes I promise this week--- I'm scheduling them now, so no matter what comes ahead of me this week, that promise of a bit of good is there. There are a million more thoughts and things I could write and probably should write, but for now I need to rest my mind. I hope you guys all have an amazing week. Whatever is in front of you, I hope you make it amazing.

Pictures Of Recently Enjoyed Things

mango and lychee season

many mornings. 

other mornings. 

the day she left me. she reminds me of a potato.

little sad bunny and her puppy. 

dates with them.
her art.
new little friends. 
choosing her outfit. 
a good day out--- made a new friend.
from our brunchday
jerry looks happy. 
my snuggle bunny and her snuggle bunny
marlowe made me this--- i'd say it's not a coincidence that there is a pizza sticker in the middle of the heart. 
not a great picture, but too cute not to share----
Alex and I woke up to the sound of things moving in the kitchen--- drawers closing, bowls moving, the fridge and such. We walked out to mind marlowe--- cooking. Making a salad to be specific. She made a dressing (see the vinegar and vegan mayo) and had a bunch of chopped peppers and chopped (and peeled!) carrots in a bowl. She told us she was making the salad for Alex--- but a few minutes later was dipping all the carrots in her dressing and eating them. Alex later ate the dressed peppers and said the dressing was actually really good! And  later Marlowe revealed that she cut the carrots with her teeth because her kid knife wouldn't cut them! haha! 

These photos are obviously not super recent--- the last batch of favorite pictures before heading north <3<3 Lots of New England Pictures to come. Anyway, I hope you guys all had a great week. This week started off great then hit a rocky few days--- but its part of the process. I do have more up days than down days now, so that is a huge bright side. Sorry for the overload of sponsored posts this week--- I do try to space them out a bit more, but things got a bit thrown off around here with so much time away. I hope you guys enjoyed them anyway! I personally thought it was a good mix--- but maybe I'm biased? And the socks really are the most comfortable things--- I'm wearing the high ones now.  I have a ton of photos to share, and even two recipes too! Super simple recipes, but recipes nonetheless! Hooray! Have a great weekend friends. Thanks for being here <3

Happy, Comfortable, Giving Socks That Do Not Sucks

I spent a majority of my life arguing about socks. I've never been much of a sock person until this past year. Now I have major sock love, but previously? There were some serious battles between my mother and I about sock wearing. I preferred bare feet in our (really cold) Massachusetts home and even in winter boots-- even in the snow! But now in my super old age (sarcasm), I've learned the beauty of (cozy) socks! Last year when we did this trip north, I ended stealing a pair of socks from Lisa (IOU) and wearing them for the rest of the trip--- now I know its important to prepare for my own feet-comfort and travel with socks--- I brought a decent variety to Massachusetts this time around. I've also learned there are big difference in different types of socks. I think this is where I failed for the majority of my life. Ill-fitting and ill-made socks wont make my feet happy--- they want to be comfortable or naked. I mean, I guess the same goes for all my wardrobe choices-- so this concept should have been common sense from the beginning.

I'm excited to team up with Bombas during this month-- not only because my feet are 100% happier, but also because they are such an awesome give-back company. For every sock purchased, Bombas donates a pair to someone in need. Over 300,000 pairs (!!) have been donated since launching the company in 2013! (amazing).  And with socks being one of the number one requests at homeless shelters, well, thats pretty damn awesome.

I handed Alex a few pairs of socks and excitedly said, "here, socks!" and he sort of side eyed me. He's been a sock-less man lately and stated he wouldn't be wearing socks on the trip--- I think he wanted to slowly kill me with the stench of his feet. Then one chilly day (yes, it's actually been chilly here), he put on the socks and BAM, he was hooked. He wore them almost everyday since then (and his feet started smelling a lot better). They are com-for-tab-le!

So besides the give-back nature of Bombas, what makes them so amazing for typically sock-hating people like me? Well, good technology, thats for sure. There's no annoying line that goes across your toe, there's a comfort tab in the back of the calf socks so you don't get those annoying blisters on the back of your feet-ankle area, the fabric is extra soft like a baby's butt, and their just cushy in all the right places (similar to a baby's butt as well).

And my absolute favorite comfort factor? Bombas stay in place!!! Omg, I cannot emphasis this enough. They don't slip down and get stuck in your boots or sneakers. I'm not sure how they did it, but they actually perfected socks that stay in place! One of my all time biggest pet-peeves is droopy socks--- not just on me, but on anyone. Weird, I know, I don't care, but it seriously drives me nuts to see droopy socks. Thank you droop-free socks. Phew.

So if I haven't convinced you that these are the most comfortable socks ever-- then I don't know man. Either way, you can rest assured that there is a 100% happiness guarantee. If you order a pair and think "Drea was tripping, she knows nothing about socks" and don't love them, you get a complete refund on your order, no problem.  (You'll love them). And remember, for every pair you buy, someone in need gets one too! Win, win, win.

Get 20% off your entire order by clicking HERE. Hooray! 

ps. They now offers solid colors (I need the black the black, grey, and blue to match my wardrobe) and they also have limited edition fourth of july socks! (cute!) Oh and they have kids ones too! 

Garden Food: Whiskey Lemon Balm Tea Mojito

Going into gardening I thought that all the veggies would be my favorite part, but actually, it's slowly becoming all the tropical fruit, citrus, and definitely all the herbs. Marlowe's favorite thing, surprisingly enough is the herbs. She's obsessed--- picks them constantly and pops them in her mouth to eat. Nom nom nom. And if you haven't seen the theme yet, we're in love with herb-y, fruity, and super light and refreshing cocktails around here. I mean, not Marlowe, she just asks for the drinks sans liquor of course :) Luckily, this drink is great without too, so we can make the spiked version for Alex and I on hot garden days and Marlowe gets a super healthy virgin tea drink to hydrate :) 

makes one

You'll need:
1.5 ounce whiskey
1/4 lemon
1/4 lime
1/8 orange
a few big leaves/small handful of lemon balm
pure leaf honey green tea 
tarragon or nasturtium flowers for garnish (optional)

How to:
place lemon balm leaves and citrus pieces in a heavy cocktail glass, muddle muddle muddle
add ice, whiskey, and fill remainder of glass with tea
give a quick stir and garnish with more lemon balm leaves and edible flowers, if you'd like!

&finally, enjoy in your garden or on your porch on a beautiful spring or summer day with your family and friends! yum yum yum. 

find more cocktails summer HERE :) 

Pure Leaf is a premium iced tea brewed from real tea leaves picked at their freshest. For recipes, tea tips and daily inspiration, visit PureLeaf.com.
Compensation was provided by Pure Leaf via Mode Media.  The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not indicative of the opinions or positions of Pure Leaf.


*this post is sponsored by T.J. Maxx

Our favorite days are the easy, yet productive ones. You guys know where the do-do-do people. We like it that way. It's been a bit tough to slow down on life this year---so for me, the moments that we can do happy things together as especially wonderful.

With the exception of our time in Massachusetts and mothers day, when we all ate (cardboard-- vegan, gluten free, sugar free) pancakes together, we haven't really had any good sit down morning meals together at home--- or outside time together, or really much of anything. I slept through most days until Alex went to work. Marlowe has been a super star and seems older and more capable than ever. And Alex has been trying to keep the house, dogs, and yard together through it all.

But finally, one day a few weeks ago, I had an "up day" and asked if we could buy some new planters for my growing succulents to be moved outside and eat some noodles. Easy request, right? :) Marlowe and I played board games (the new norm most mornings) and then we all tidied up the house a bit before heading out.

We then drove out west to the feed store for chicken food, a quick grocery run, and stopped at T.J. Maxx for planters (where I buy at least 90% of them)--- and a bird house too, because a storm had knocked down my yellow one. And I was admittedly more sad than I should be for a broken birdhouse--- but I was happy to find a teal one ;) We all enjoy T.J. Maxx runs--- I did it often growing up with my mom, and now I like to go with my family to set out to find bright planters, general garden and home goods, and table settings (ohhh how many things I bought for the cookbook!). And without even searching, I found the coolest noodle bowls-- perfect for a noodle day, right? Now we have two big bowls for big appetites and two smaller, similar, but different ones for smaller appetites ;)

&happy yellow planter to also make up for my yellow loss ;) 

Lately we have to adjust meals for my taste-- and not Marlowes. Simple flavors, softer food, anything easy on the gut. Noodles is a good pick because we just make everything as we regularly would-- miso-ginger broth, lightly boiled veggies, seaweed, and then all we have to do is make an extra set of buckwheat noodles for me--- while Alex and Marlowe share rice noodles. Oh and they get tofu--- but no soy allowed for me-- which I'm honestly okay with. I like it, but I don't love or crave it. I’m not sure if the piece on the right is placemat, table decor, or what, but I fell in love with it and we’re using it on the table. Alex also suggested we could hang it on the wall, which definitely make sense— both that and the table cloth made me think of and miss india, so naturally, I bought them ;) 

chopstick holding bowls for the win! 

We spent the rest of the day re-potting succulents into our new larger, outdoor planters and taking it easy. A good family day for sure. Easy and productive days always and forever.

We had a great weekend up here. Hope you guys did too <3

maxx savings. maxx style. maxx life. 

Pictures By Marlowe

i spy.... 

she set this up herself asked for the camera and started snapping photos. not sure where she gets it from.... ;) 

she also likes to tell my mom (or me) how to pose and then snaps photos. looks like waylon is modeling too. work it, dog.

clean room deserves a photo.

the day I went to the ER, I came home and she goes "I drew your boo boo on the wall, see"-- sweet thing still thought it was my carpal tunnel causing my problems :) love her.


me working hard. 

dangly jewelry and dangly mom boobs. #whatever. 
(Thanks for sending me something to scare the crap out of my mom with, Nicolle.)

morning flowers

in her defense, Waylon is pretty damn impossible to take a photo of.

her veggie stand :) 

she made her bed and it apparently deserved a photo. I think so too.

her coronation ceremony. 
(obviously, guys)

flowers. love her.

It's been a while since I've done one of these. I hope some of them make you guys smile as much as they make me smile :) Thanks again for all the love and support. I have a friend from Florida, who recently moved to New York coming to visit me in MA. Marlowe and I are both excited. I see nail painting, naps, and Mean Girls in my future.  I hope you guys have an incredible weekend!